Someone recently compared the topic of suicide to what the topic of cancer was 50 years ago. You didn’t talk about it. If it happened in your family it was whispered about briefly and then erased from the collective memory. The person’s existence was wiped from the history of the family and often future generations either weren’t told of their existence or aspects of their death were shrouded in secrecy. However the last decades and advances in medicine and psychology have taught us that suicide is often the result of a desperate need to stop a pain that can either be psychological or the result of medical imbalance. A person comes to a place where they feel they just cannot continue under this pain and any act no matter how drastic that can halt the pain is the choice to take. Does that make it any easier for those left behind to bear? Quite often the answer to that question is a resounding ‘No!’.
Until not that long ago suicide was considered a criminal act; or you were ‘insane’ - and it most definitely was a sin. There might be some who still harbour these attitudes but in general we now regard suicide as a desperate act from someone who was suffering an unbearable pain. Often the person is suffering from one form or another of clinical depression, which by the nature of the illness renders them unable to make rational judgements. All they can feel is this overwhelming pain and because of their condition they are unable to countenance the possibility of any sort of solution or way out of it. Think of a pressure cooker, or a volcano that is about to erupt – once the temperature gets past a certain level an eruption or explosion seems almost inevitable.
That is often how the suicide victim feels. We know this because of conversations that are had with people who attempt suicide and fail. We often read it in the notes that are left behind – ‘I couldn’t bear it any more’. It is also quite common for the person committing suicide to believe ‘You would all be better off without me’.
Many believe that we should try to avoid the term ‘committing suicide’ as the word ‘committing’ is usually associated with criminal behaviour of one sort or another. It is now generally believed that the phrase ‘took their own life’ or ‘died by suicide’ holds slightly less emotive connotations.
It is helpful to take on board the thought that suicide – while it is an action taken – is not as it seems, a totally random choice. We often never know what led the person to take this decision but it usually is in the context, or at the end, of a long and usually convoluted thought process. Often the person was ill, and many times not in a way that could have been observed or easily identified. When something originates in the mind we can’t see it. It isn’t like any other type of illness that is on the outside – a rash to notice, a lump or swelling to prod.
Seeing inside someone else’s head is almost impossible and quite often they are too close to their own situation to see their issues clearly. If you are suicidal you aren’t seeing clearly. You are unable to get a proper distance and perspective on your situation and it is the inability to gain proper perspective that causes you to also be unable to find a way out of it.
The fact that your loved one chose to take their own life is not about you. This is not about what the person thought of your place in their life. There was no lack of value in your relationship that made staying in your company just not worth it. While you are left behind, bearing the almost incomprehensible range of emotions that this situation brings, you must remember that the action that was taken was taken by your loved one-and for their own reasons. Not against you – but sadly for them and them alone.
hello there i am jamie and mu husband charles was murderd a month ago i cant seem to cope i cant sleep and the nightmares only get worse wat can i do to cope? please i need the advice
Hi im Ryan Im 24 and lost a friend of mine from school a week before Christmas We had fallen out about a year ago and i decided to give him another chance but i didnt get to do that and i have been feeling bad ever since what should or can i do?
i dont know what to do to be honest i feel like a cant do anything :/ how can i do something that will help me get back 2 my old self
in the past 2 months i have lost 5 people who were quite close to me, and had to help my friends cope with the losses of their loved ones as well, i dont know anyone who has been in the same position as me and i just dont know what to do anymore
how do you grieve your husband, who while i was taken care of my mother he passed away and his children did not tell me and buried him w/o me and i am going through hell just to get a death certificate corrected since they lied. Even the Funeral Director has no compassion. I miss my husband, never to say goodbye, one last touch, one last kiss, dont know what he was buried in, his wedding ring, he was buried out of state the whole death is a mess so much to grieve and the pain is overwhelming.
i miss my dad he died nearly three years ago but i still think of ending it to be near to him
Hello, I lost my beautiful daughter Phoebe in September last year, and over the past few weeks I have been suffering with severe panic attacks and feel not my self at all which I know I won't for a long time but I have a great fear that I am ill or dying what can you suggest to help me through this part of my grief? Thank you Charlotte
Ive just lost my soulmate and i feel so lost like im in my own world, theres not a day that passes where i dont cry. I know hes waiting for me but i carnt leave this world yet as i have 2 beautiful children who need me. its been 7 weeks now and i carnt even bring myself 2 go to his grave and i feel so guilty as if i should go, when will i feel better?
i think im falling into really bad depression...and now the only thing on my mind is 'when will my life end' i miss how i used to be i diddnt no the death of someone i loved soo much would change me in soo many ways, help me please :( i no its not a question but thers so many things running through my mind i dont no how to put how i feel into a question :/
i cant deal with not having my mum in my life anymore i miss her so much
My partner Gill died 8 months ago on Feb 7th. She was only 41 and we had been together for 7 years, living together for less than two of them. I was and and still am devastated but I thought I was coping okay. This past month or so however I have felt lower and lower, I feel so alone and scared now. I feel guilty when I go out with friends and I feel constantly tired. I don't sleep well and the mental effort of dealing with this is really beginning to tell. I can't seem to get past this, have you any advice??? Will this pass with time??
i never knew my dad for 48 years then when i found him we didnt have long together he died in aug
i would very much appreciate your advice.my son was brutally murdered 3 and a half years ago.i see a phscotheripist once a week which i have been doing for about 9 months.although she is lovely she isn't able to give me coping stragides for when the really bad times consume me.all i can think about all day everyday is my poor son.i cannot move on.please please help.many thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.xx
My father passed away 7 months ago and I just can't seem to shed a tear. It isn't that I don't care, I miss him so much. I made a memorial site. I feel so bad that I haven't cried, even though I am feeling the pain every day. Am I the bad son? is this common? what can I do? Thanks in advance Dave Heald
Can you please explain how I should be feeling after losing my 11 year old beautiful daughter, then I have a grandson born sleeping just 5 mo. and 2 days later? I would really be intrested in your thoughts on how I should be feeling. THIS IS NO JOKE I have a page here on GTS for my baby girl Jazzmyn, but my oldest daughter is not yet ready to start a page for her baby boy. So she claims. I have gotten so very much help and support from my friends from my daughters page, as the grandmother of the baby boy born sleeping11/07/10, do I have the right to go ahead and start my grandson a page, if I want to? She is only"pulling rank", just to be able to tell me what to do. My husband and I both know she is being selfish and doesnt care one way or the other. She knew I had taken pictures and how GTS is my life line. She is enjoying trying to order me around, because it was her baby. Is this just the silliest thing, at a time like this. PLEASE I am so very intrested in what you have to say.
my grandfather who i was vey close to died 14 yrs ago andi never go to go to his funeral for some reason i cant seem to get over the loss
hello i lost my dad 5 years ago he was only 46 and im still struggling when is the time right to move on and accept that he's never coming back
How can i get over losing my dear dad from c difficile. I miss him so much. I have the funeral to do yet and it will be so hard.
can you go through life without ever grieving?
is it normal to want to end my life to be with my partner
how do you deal with loss i miss my mum
On the 25th june of this year it will be one year since i gave birth and lost my son, i am finding it hard to cope, ive coped for the last 11 months but recently i am crying all the time for him, i am also 29 weeks pregnant. I lost my son at 31weeks, with this baby i will be 31 weeks at the same time i lost my son.. its becoming really hard to not think positive.. What can i do?
It is 22 years and 2 months since my dad passed, and and 21 years and 4 months since my sister was murdered. Surely I should be able to talk aboout them or even think about them without crying...How normal am I??
ive lost my sister 21 years ago my brother 5 years ago plus a miscarriage then this year i lost my mom how the hell do i cope with it all feel like just given up
I lost mmy dad by him killing himself and me finding him, this was 14 yrs ago. 3.5 yrs ago I lost my mum and I can't let myself talk about them or think about them as it makes me cry uncontrolably, so for all these years I hold my grief in and my sisters think this is wrong but I can't let myself think of my parents as it hurts to much so am still at the stage where am not yet missing them, is this odd?
my god daughter passed away at age 12 2 year ago and the pain is still like the day she went i nursed her and there isnt a day i dont cry over her i feel so alone as i cant tell anyone how i feel will it ever get better i have changed my e mail its email@example.com
I am a grown woman of 34 and mum to 3 lovely kids.I lost my Dad in a road accident 8yrs ago when he was 48 and although i love and miss him tremendously and have accepted that hes gone.Im having trouble dealing with things without him,he was my rock,security blanket and since he died ive changed and constantly think about dying,my family dying or being seriously ill.Its always something like cancer,never an accident but an illness,why am i like this,many thanks,emma
We lost our daughter nearly 10 years ago, a lad was charged with her manslaughter. He was murdered before it came to trial. As she was married we were not her next of kin and have never been able to find our what actually happened. 19 months ago our youngest son died partly due to the loss of his sister. We are devastated. I feel my life is over although we have one son still surviving. We moved almost 100 miles away from so called friends and family and they have barely kept in touch. I feel so totally isolated, my husband keeps going, I know I am lucky to have him, we have been married for 39years. My whole life was about raising my children and being family orientated. I brought my children up to be happy how could I have got it so terribly devastatingly wrong
Even though I lost my wife just over two years ago, I still to this day can't get motivated to do activities. I am with a support group and I am also with a Bereavement/Grief social group. I wanna do things other than these 2 areas like go to movies or go for a walk. Can you please help me???
my brother died when he was 25 five years ago im still so angry and hurting. how can i can i deal with this
My Mum is nearly 6 months gone now and I am not coping very well. I do not feel any different now than when I did back then.
Hi am Wayne Johnson, am 27, a friend of mine passed away 2 years ago. I can't think, i try and sleep but i can't stop thinking about my best friend Christine Nelson at all and am wondering if there is anything you could to help me cope with the loss of my best friend.
After 5yrs since my mum passed,still not had THE chance too grieve,if u r busy it's ok i will plod along as i always do,xx
Hi where do I come o I can talk to someone about the loss of my dad 2 months ago? I'm 20
hello. im sorry to be contacting you now but its the anniversary of my grampys death and i was the 1 to find him a few years ago at the age of 16/17 and it has had a huge impact on my life. i literaly cant cope anymore! i tried soooo much to help my grampy frew the hard times he was going frew with his drinking. i just dont know what to do anymore, i dont want to live anymore i cant handle the pain im feeling with my grampy gone, my other grampy passing away last year and (this aint as bad but something to add to it) losing the girl i love sooooo much!! its all getting to much i mean im on antidepressents and they cant even help me! i need help BIG TIME!!
I lost my grandad 10 years ago in march, i was 12 at the time and i am now 22, i thought that after the amount of time that has gone by, i would find it easier to talk and think about him but it hasnt, i still find it hard to cope sometimes . There have been days when i just dont want to get out of bed because i miss him so much. My question is will it get easier or will i always find it this difficult?
my sister passed away on 28th jan 2012. i cant the word that she has died, i just get so emotional every time i try to say it. i cant accept she is no longer here,she was only 41 and died of a heart attack, what makes it so painful is that i didnt get to say goodbye or tell her i love her and it hurts so much, i just want her back, my head is telling me she isnt here but my heart feels like its been ripped out, she was so loved by so many, i miss her so much,she wasnt just my sister,she was my best friend, i cant describe the pain.xxxx
GoneTooSoon recommends the