About me
I'M CHRIS' MOM ~
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥ ☆ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥ ☆ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
_____________________________________________________
♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
This Music Selection Features "Supertramp" ~
♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫ ♪
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥ ☆ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥ ☆ Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
I'm 48, married to Chris' Stepfather for 8 yrs. I have Fibromyalgia, a chronic pain condition that affects the whole body, (for 15 yrs)!!! Cold, rainy weather causes the pain to be worse. Weather fronts coming in and out cause migraine headaches. I am often sick with flu-like symtoms.
I love butterflies!! Because of this stupid disease, I feel like I AM a beautiful butterfly, but I'm stuck inside this cocoon (my painful body).
The last 7 years of my son’s life, I was extremely ill. I didn’t tell Chris much about it, because I didn’t want him to think I was not going to be there for him.
Chris was our only child. So, now it’s just the two of us. Being 21, Chris had moved out, was engaged, and in college. We were looking forward to college graduation, a wedding, and the possibility of grandkids. We would have never thought we would get a grand “PUPPY” instead. . . . . . . .
_____________________________________________________
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ THIS PLACE HAS GONE TO THE DOGS ~
We started out with two. A BL/WH English Setter “Miles” and a little Yorkie named “Trixie”. Sometime during the funeral, a storm came through and the fence fell down. We were too busy to mess with it at the time, but Miles got in the neighbor’s yard.
About 3 months after Chris passed, Rick was working in the garden when he heard what sounded like kittens. When he peeked over the fence, to his surprise, there were 10 puppies!!! They all had a big spot on the rear, like Miles, so we knew who the culprit was.
So, we just HAD to keep one!! We got “Tucker”. Tucker was a god-send. I truly believe (HE SAVED MY LIFE)! I wasn’t ready to “not be a mother anymore.” Tucker cooed and cried like a little baby. He was so cute, and so little with the most beautiful green eyes and a brown and white coat like an appaloosa. (He took a lot after his mom, because he mostly looks like a German Shorthair). And he just wormed his way into our little broken hearts.
I “mothered” him, and of course, we spoiled him ROTTEN. Because I got him 3 months after the funeral, we immediately bonded. (I have only been separated from him just 2 wks, since he was born, (almost 3 yrs). He lays back in the bedroom and cries because he wants you to come lay down. All he wants to do is cuddle up to you on the couch while you’re watching TV, or whatever.
He doesn’t like it when you work on the computer. He’ll nudge your hand, the one used for the mouse, and it’s very hard to get things done. Rick says "he's helping." He loves people and is so happy when I take him out for walks.
_____________________________________________________
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ WHITE BUTTERFLIES FROM HEAVEN~
It was 5 months after Chris passed ~ in the month of May. May is a hard month because it's Mother's Day, Chris' birthday and my birthday, as well.
On my birthday, I was sitting on the porch reflecting on all the messages, phone calls, cards, that I had received and I thought to myself, 'Hmmmmmmm. . . .I've heard from everyone except Chris'. Just then a Monarch butterfly showed up, fluttered around and stayed for a long time.
My first thought was, 'Wow, we don't get butterflies that often.' Then it hit me. (Everyone knows I love butterflies). Just then, I realized that for my birthday, Chris had sent a real butterfly!!
I never saw another Monarch the whole summer, but everytime I thought of Chris a WHITE butterfly would show up. (Chris' favorite color was white, and my favorite things are butterflies). So I started calling them "White Butterflies From Heaven". Actually I had never seen a plain white butterfly before, and now I see them all the time.
I happened to see the funeral director out at the cemetery and I told him about the Butterflies. He told me that in May a policeman had been buried down the row from Chris. One of his final wishes was to have butterflies released at his funeral. The funeral director said they had to use a hair dryer to keep them warm.
When they were released, they were suppose to fly off into the sky, but they all went to the tree where Chris is buried. He said, being that the tree still had no leaves, it was quite a site to see all those beautiful Monarch butterflies in the tree.
I ended up buying that tree for a memorial and I always keep a couple of butterflies clipped to it. The cemetery workers began calling it "The Butterfly Tree".
The memorial for the tree says, "Chris, thank you for sending the White Butterflies From Heaven, Love Mom."
█▒▒▒▒▒▒██
█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒██
██▒▒▒▓▓▓▒▒██ █
█▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▒▒▒█ █
██▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▒▒█ █
█▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒█ █
█▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒█ ████████
██▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒█ █████ █
█▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▒▒▒██████
██▒▒▒▓▓▒▒▒█████████████████
████▒▒▒▒▒▒██████▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒███
██▒▒██▒▒▒▒██████▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒▒██
██▒▒▒▒██▒▒██████▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒██
█▒▒▒▒▒▒████████▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒█
█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒█████▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒██
██▒▒▒▒▒▒█████▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒███
██▒▒▒▒▒███▒██▒▒▒▒▓▓▓▓▓▒▒▒▒██
███████▒▒▒▒██▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒████
█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒██████████
██▒▒▒▒▒▒▒██
██▒▒▒▒▒▒██
██▒▒▒▒██
█ ████
Butterfly
_____________________________________________________
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ THIS IS NOW WHAT NORMAL IS TO A GRIEVING MOTHER ~
MY NEW 'NORMAL'
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize your loved one is going to be missing from all the important events in your family's life.
Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just can't seem to tolerate anything or anyone any more!!!
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why's go through your head constantly.
Normal is re-living that day continuously in your mind, still shaking your head in disbelief, no matter how much time has passed.
Normal is every happy event in life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because your child WAS your greatest achievement.
Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday occurence, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing that it has become a part of my
"normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive these days. And trying to
find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday?!?!!
Normal is your heart jumping and yet sinking at the sight of something special your child loved. Thinking how they would have love it, but now they are not here to enjoy it.
Normal is having some people afraid to mention your child's name, and yet making sure that others never forget it.
Normal is after the funeral is over how quickly others seem to go on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better.
Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your own child is in
the most remote area of the planet - it doesn't compare. Losing a loved one is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural and incomprehensible to a grieving mother.
Normal is taking pills every day, and trying not to cry, because your mental health depends on it, yet realizing that you DO cry all the time, anyway.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, except someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child, too.
Normal is now sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies or (weeps) who have also lost a child.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new ??!! lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my child is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why healthy babies ere taken from us is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to a grieving mother.
Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there even is any food.
Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say that you ever had a child or not, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining why your child is not here.
Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even "is" a God, yet knowing better.
Normal is knowing you will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all,
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal."
_____________________________________________________
I took the loss of my only son really hard. I miss him so much I could just scream! Every day is hard, even almost 3 yrs. later.
I ran across this website on the internet and have been working real hard to get it set up, but sitting at the computer too long, increases my Fibromyalgia pain. So, it is hard to get things done.
I hope all Chris' friends and relatives will stop by Chris' page and light a candle or put up a photo. It is so comforting to know that others are still thinking of my son. It keeps his memory alive. . . .
All my love,
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄ƷVicki
