About me
DON'T THINK I DO NOT GRIEVE
Don’t think I do not feel;
Because you see no tears.
A river rages deep inside
Of grief, and loss, and fears.
Just because I don’t cry now,
Don’t think my heart’s not broken.
I keep inside the misery
Of words not to be spoken.
Sometimes I smile, or crack a joke,
So you won’t see the pain;
Or notice how my hands still shake,
Or that I’ve gone insane.
Each time I chance to think of him,
My heart is ripped asunder.
The loss I feel is mine alone -
You will not see my thunder.
By Brenda Penepent
THANK YOU ALL FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BROKEN HEART FOR VISITING MY SON JOSHUA'S SITE. THE CANDLES, TRIBUTES, GIFTS & MESSAGES MEANT SO MUCH AND REALLY WERE A LIFELINE OF SUPPORT WHEN I THOUGHT I WOULD BE SWEPT AWAY BY GRIEF. I AM TAKING A BREAK FROM GTS NOW, BUT ALL OF YOU AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL ANGELS WILL REMAIN IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS. THANKS AGAIN, I LOVE YOU ALL. GOD BLESS XXXX
I am happily married to David.
We have a son, James Karl who was born on Sunday 6th January 2002.
James is healthy and handsome. He also has Autism.
Joshua was the result of our second attempt of Fertility Treatment after years of trying for a second child.
My husband David is self-employed and runs his own shop.
I have a congenital heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallots and am reliant on a double-lead Pacemaker. I am very lucky to be alive. If you met me you would not know of my heart problems as you can't tell (unless you see the scars)!
My mother Carol Burnham passed away back on 14th July 2000 after a long fight with breast cancer.
I missed her especially on my wedding day and when my sons were born.
Joshua I love you so and miss you.
There will never be a day when I won't think of you. xx
JANUARY 2009
To my Darling Joshua,
My darling, precious child.
I need to say Goodbye to you now.
It has taken me this long to accept that you are really gone... and that you are not coming. And a tiny part of me will never completely accept these truths. Because it goes against my instincts and against nature.
However, I feel more at peace now and more able to think about you with the love and joy you so deserve, rather than with the hurt and pain eclipsing those blessings. I am so pleased about that and so thankful. I have been searching and hoping for a way to carry on and move forward, taking you safely with me but leaving the raw pain of your loss in the past.
Your first angelversary and birthday are fast approaching, which will make me feel incredibly sad, but then I will be past all the "Firsts". I am looking towards this coming spring, where I will not have any painful dates looming for a while, and the knowledge that I can survive all the reminders.
I will be coming on the computer sites and visiting your resting place a little less. Not because I am thinking of you any less - you know that is not true. But because I have your Daddy and brother to think about, and I need to live here in the present with them, rather than with my face turned to the past and what should have been. It is not fair to them otherwise and I know you are safe in Paradise and that your Grandma and everyone will be taking such good care of you - you don't need as much of my time as your brother and your father do. They are on earth with me.
I must take Grandma’s advice and see my glass as half full. I am more fortunate than many. It does none of us any good if I am not making the most of things, but am preoccupied with wishful thinking.
I will carry you safely tucked in the back of my heart now, rather than tugging at the strings of the front. An angel son is better than no son at all, and a full heart is better than empty arms. These things I know without a shadow of a doubt.
My love for you will always remain the same, and there will never be a day when I won't think of you.
One day I will see you, hear your voice, hold you close and kiss your beautiful face. Then there will be no more sorrow and the pieces of my broken heart will fall back into place. Until that day comes, know that a Mother's Love goes where it's needed and I love you just as much as I love James, it's only that he needs me more and I need to be with him here. But you are still with us and we could never forget you. We are a family of four. Hopefully one day we will be a family of five. You are and will always be our special blessing, and a treasure in our hearts and memories. You were and are so perfect, pure and innocent. I think of your face so much and I see it reflected in your Daddy and brother! I am glad of that; I will always have a good idea of what you will look like at every age. You were so longed-for and wanted - thank you for coming to us and you will always be there, just a heartbeat away, waiting. I take comfort from that and death holds less fear for me now.
You are my little ray of SONshine, slowly melting the ice of my heart and emotions, and warming the new seeds that will one day open and bloom and reach towards the sun and sky. You will see me past this long, long winter of Pain & Sorrow, and into the spring of Hope & Comfort and then the summer of Joy & Contentment.
I love you I love you I love you.
I love you so, so very much, my beautiful son. MY precious child. Joshua Nathan Bass.
Love as always from Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxx
And Daddy & James xxxxxx xxxxxx
