Paula Kirkman

I have one child Andrew, two step children David and Sarah. Andrew idolised his brother and sister. When he started to drive he just wanted to go to Manchester to see Sarah. He would always ring me when he got there as he knew I hated him going on the motorway.

The day Andrew was born was the happiest day of my life, I felt complete he was and always will be my boy and my life.

On the 21st December 2008 our beautiful son took his own life. On the 29th May 2009 the inquest recorded a verdict of suicide. We know in our hearts that Andrew did not mean for this to happen as he loved his life and his family so much.

He bought a BMW on the 13th December and paid his mobile bill on the 19th December, had plans for Christmas and the New Year. He wanted to back to Greece in the summer. In March he planned to start up his own business Kirkman Landscaping again. Had my Son intended to take his life he would not have bought his dream car or paid his mobile or made so many plans. To us this does not sound like someone who wanted to end his life. Something happened to my Son that Saturday night and we will never really know but whatever it was something just snapped inside his head a one split second. I know my Son and I know he didn't mean for this to happen.

My heart was broken the day we lost Andrew and it will never mend. I will never be the same person again not without him. I was just 21 when I had him and we grew up together when he was younger we did everything together, as he got older we would sit and talk for hours. He is my best friend, my whole world a real mummy's boy he had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen they would sparkle when he smiled. I miss him so much and I just want him back. Life is so unfair I wish it had been me not him, not my Andrew. I wish I could change places with him today.

Andrew was beautiful, funny, loving and caring. He would help anyone if he could. He loved all his family, a girlfriend he loved and many friends. Andrew wasn't a drinker and wouldn't hurt anyone, he loved his cars and would drive anywhere. He once drove to Kendal just for some Kendal Mint Cake, (which he could have got from the corner shop). He even drove to London and parked right outside Buckingham Palace to show Samii. If he saw someone he knew he would pick them up and take them to where they were going, he just loved to drive. Everyone who knew Andrew will miss him very much as he touched so many lives. I am so very proud of Andrew and always will be.

Andrew only had 20 short years but he fitted a lot into those years more than some twice his age, he lived his life to the full and always did just what he wanted. He always had a smile and a hello for everyone. You always knew when Andrew was around. You would hear him before you saw him.

I feel I have no purpose in this life now that I have lost my only child my best friend. The only thing I have to look forward to now is the day I can be with my Son again to hold him and never let go. I am no longer scared of death as I know my Andrew will be waiting for me. I now live to die.

I lay in the dark, I cry alone.
Arms wrapped around me tight, but they’re my own.
I feel not the warmth of my child.
I feel no love, I am broken inside.
I am lost with no place to hide.

I’m alone, each day and night.
I asked for my angel, but he does not come.
So I lay here broken, my body so numb.

I'm in a new world, I know not how to survive.
I'm dead, and yet I’m alive.

I don't know how to live this new life.
Without my child,
So I lay here alone and broken without my child.