Welcome to the Garden of

Paula Kirkman

  • Joined:December '08
  • Location:Preston
  • Age:42
  • Last Online:Last night

About me

I have one child Andrew, two step children David and Sarah. Andrew idolised his brother and sister. When he started to drive he just wanted to go to Manchester to see Sarah. He would always ring me when he got there as he knew I hated him going on the motorway.

The day Andrew was born was the happiest day of my life, I felt complete he was and always will be my boy and my life.

On the 21st December 2008 our beautiful son took his own life. On the 29th May 2009 the inquest recorded a verdict of suicide. We know in our hearts that Andrew did not mean for this to happen as he loved his life and his family so much.

He bought a BMW on the 13th December and paid his mobile bill on the 19th December, had plans for Christmas and the New Year. He wanted to back to Greece in the summer. In March he planned to start up his own business Kirkman Landscaping again. Had my Son intended to take his life he would not have bought his dream car or paid his mobile or made so many plans. To us this does not sound like someone who wanted to end his life. Something happened to my Son that Saturday night and we will never really know but whatever it was something just snapped inside his head a one split second. I know my Son and I know he didn't mean for this to happen.

My heart was broken the day we lost Andrew and it will never mend. I will never be the same person again not without him. I was just 21 when I had him and we grew up together when he was younger we did everything together, as he got older we would sit and talk for hours. He is my best friend, my whole world a real mummy's boy he had the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen they would sparkle when he smiled. I miss him so much and I just want him back. Life is so unfair I wish it had been me not him, not my Andrew. I wish I could change places with him today.

Andrew was beautiful, funny, loving and caring. He would help anyone if he could. He loved all his family, a girlfriend he loved and many friends. Andrew wasn't a drinker and wouldn't hurt anyone, he loved his cars and would drive anywhere. He once drove to Kendal just for some Kendal Mint Cake, (which he could have got from the corner shop). He even drove to London and parked right outside Buckingham Palace to show Samii. If he saw someone he knew he would pick them up and take them to where they were going, he just loved to drive. Everyone who knew Andrew will miss him very much as he touched so many lives. I am so very proud of Andrew and always will be.

Andrew only had 20 short years but he fitted a lot into those years more than some twice his age, he lived his life to the full and always did just what he wanted. He always had a smile and a hello for everyone. You always knew when Andrew was around. You would hear him before you saw him.

I feel I have no purpose in this life now that I have lost my only child my best friend. The only thing I have to look forward to now is the day I can be with my Son again to hold him and never let go. I am no longer scared of death as I know my Andrew will be waiting for me. I now live to die.

I lay in the dark, I cry alone.
Arms wrapped around me tight, but they’re my own.
I feel not the warmth of my child.
I feel no love, I am broken inside.
I am lost with no place to hide.

I’m alone, each day and night.
I asked for my angel, but he does not come.
So I lay here broken, my body so numb.

I'm in a new world, I know not how to survive.
I'm dead, and yet I’m alive.

I don't know how to live this new life.
Without my child,
So I lay here alone and broken without my child.



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moving song

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COx4WPq6hM8

Yesterday evening

Daddy's Poem
----------------------

Her hair was up in a pony tail,
Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
And she couldn't wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn't there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls. There were daddies along the wall in back,
For everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seats

One by one the teacher called
A student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn't there.

'Where's her daddy at?'
She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,'
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
Who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

'My Daddy couldn't be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.

'Cause my daddy's al ways with me,
Even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
He'll forever be in my heart'
With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress. And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was right.

And when she dropped her hand back down,
Staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
But heaven's just too far.

You see he is a Brittish soldier
And died just this past year
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught Britians to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mothers amazement,
She witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them,
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,'
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed rose.


And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
By the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
That heaven is never too far.

Send this to the people you'll never forget and
Remember to send it also to the person that sent It to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them.

If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're
in a hurry and that you've forgotten your friends.

Take the time...to live and love.
Until eternity. God bless!

Thursday evening

Our Friendship...

I wanted to thank you,
but I couldn't explain,
what it means to have a friend
to share life's joys and pains.
It's good to know our friendship
is one of endless devotion,
forged out of respect
and every kind emotion;
it's patient and forgiving,
never failing or forsaking
when a hand is outstretched
or a heart is breaking;
it's ever faithful
even when the world condemns,
and sparkles in the darkness
like a rare and precious gem.
And it does my heart well
at the end of the day
to know you'll never be
farther than an email away.

I can't tell you how much,
your friendship means to me,
but thank you, friend!

Thursday morning

A FRIEND HUG***♥
☆*♥*☆*♥*☆*♥*☆*♥*☆

♥ A little hug from me to you,
To make you smile
when you feel blue,
To make you happy
when your sad,
To let you know
life ain't so bad.
Now I've given a hug to you,
Somehow I feel much better too
Hugs are better when they're shared ♥
So pass this on to show you care.
♥ Thank you for all you do xxx

Wednesday morning

for xmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpbObDWgMLs

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