Paula Deaver

My name is Paula, I met Nels on March 13, 2007. Nels was my soulmate and the best friend I ever had. I would give anything to just hold him in my arms just one more time. It's hard to put into words the way I felt about Nels, while I believe that life is never for sure... the one thing I know for certain is that there will never be anyone that can fill that place in my heart that overflowed with his love. I want to thank everyone that has been here for us in the last few days. It makes me feel so much better that he had so many people who really did care.

I am approaching a month now of being separated from the one person in my life I believed I would grow old with. I wanted to continue with my story here because so many people never knew him the way I did. Nels was such a beautiful man. He was eternally stuck in the 80's. When he thought something was particularly cool, he would always say "That's Punk Rock". It was so hard to believe that he was really 41 years of age because he was so very young at heart. He had the body and mind of a much younger man and there was nothing he could not do if he put his mind to it. He loved philosophy, mythology, studied different languages and cultures and had the heart and pride of a soldier. He love going to the movies with his friends, going to concerts and being the center of attention when we would be out among those that he felt comfortable with. We laughed and we cried together and somehow found the strength in each other to take two broken lives and create the one we had between us that felt more balanced than any other relationship I have ever had in my life.

He loved my 2 daughters and could not get enough of the Italian Greyhound, we call Dexter. He would have made the most wonderful father had he had children of his own, but his fate would not have that for him. I looked forward to the day when we would have grandchildren for him to spoil rotten. He would have had so many wonderful things to teach them.

Nels loved me and my daughters unconditionally and never took us or our acceptance of his past for granted. He had a difficult life, but always found a way to see the bright side of any difficult situation. He was the most non-judgemental person i had ever met in my life and he so enjoyed good conversation and anything that brought me joy.

He never drank alcohol or used drugs to cope, He faced his fears and dealt with the good and the bad in a way like I have never seen a man deal with things before. In the time that I knew Nels, he never once raised his voice in anger, or let things get to him, the way most of us do. He was very intelligent and a gentleman's gentleman. He would open my car door for me and bring me coffee in the morning and he never let a day go bye that he didn't tell me several times how much he loved me or how beautiful I was, and how lucky he felt to be with me. We always enjoyed the time that we shared together and his smile could light up the darkest room in the middle of the night.

I miss him so much. I can't imagine how I am going to get through the pain that I feel everyday I wake up in my bed alone without him. The constant reminder I have everyday when I return from work and my house feels so empty because he is not there and he will never be coming back.

I know that I am not alone in my loss and that there are many people on this site and in our lives that are dealing with their own loss and trying their best to move on to what ever it is that will bring them peace. I know that Nels would have never been okay with the grief that my daughters and I are feeling right now and I will make it my mission in life to respectfully let him rest without worry of the ones he left behind in this life. He used to always tell me that his favorite quote of all time was by Niche... "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I can't say that I could ever truly identify with the reality of that quote while he was alive, but the reality is that these lessons that we are learning in dealing with the kind of grief that we all have to deal with after a loss in our lives to this magnitude can only truly make us more able to become stronger more compassionate human beings.

I will never forget Nels, or stop loving him. For the rest of my life I will remember all of the wonderful times I spent with him. The way he would sing Frank Sinatra to me in the car, or dance to slow music with me in the living room of our home. No matter what life has in store for me or my family. I will welcome the day when I am able to see him again, his beautiful blue eyes and gorgeous white smile and his hugs that could melt even the hardest of hearts.