Lizette Markow Mommy Of Kimmy

My little girl died 20 years ago, I have been a empty shell of guilt and pain since and I am trying still to come to terms with the loss of my child. Some days are better than others, May (birth) and Nov (died) are my worst, Xmas has lost its sparkle as the first Xmas after she died I spent all alone, I lost my baby and my husband in one year and every Xmas after that has been a remembrance of that loss. I left my husband three weeks after my child died, I could not look at him, I felt totally disconnected emotionally from him and all my friends and family. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon and I focussed on my own pain in stead of embracing the love around me. I choose to deal with it on my own, blaming and resenting myself. Everything around me reminded me so much of her... my flat, my friends, my family, my town... I moved away as far as possible from everything that caused me so much pain ... unfortunately the pain and the memories followed me where ever I went. I wanted to scream everytime I heard the words, "she is in a better place", "everything happens for a reason", "you need to move one" and all the other things people say when you lose someone in your life. I have two beautiful children but I still do not feel complete. I have made contact with Kimmy's Dad after all these years in 2008 and that has given me some peace. I have felt lost for so long, drowning in my own grief every day ... I do not know if my story is any different from so many other parents grieving for their angels but I do want you to know that I understand your pain and I share your loss as my life after Kimmy will never be the same.

When we leave this earth, we all leave a legacy. Some of us have more time to create that legacy than others. The loss of a child can be crippling, it leaves deep scars, it changes who we are and how we look at the world. The pain is something no-one but another grieving parent can really understand. When you die, your spirit stays. If you sit quietly and relax, open your mind, you'll see we're not alone. Our little Angels are always with us.

Kimmy was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy at 3 months due to brain damage at birth, she only lived another 2,5 months spending more time in hospital than at home with her family. She was discharged from hospital the day before she died. She would have been 21 years old in May 2008.

Special thanks - 15 Jan 2009

I created this page a day ago and in that 24 hours I have found friends.... thank you so much for every candle lit for Kimmy and every kind message I have received. My heart goes out to each and every one of you, if you need anyone to talk to... I am here.