Kirsty Hill

i'm 25, i'm a single mum to 2 beauiful boys and two darling angels. The best feeling in the world is when my boys say they love me, i love being a mummy its the best job in the world. My little princess will always be missed.I will never forget my little solider. My boys are who i live for and why i'm still here.I love my kids including my two heaven babies.
I have found out i can no longer carry a baby to term so i will cherish my 2 lil boys and my 2 lil angels, i will never forget my lost babies but at least here is a place i can visit them.
I don't know why they were taken from me but at least my babies are not alone and have eachother till i can be with them x
I just want to go and join my babies so much they have no one 2 look after them, i can't not try and heal this pain no more, but i cant be selfish 2 my little boys they still need me too x
I lost my darling deevoy james the day my little sister gave birth to her little girl.
I was her birth partner and i was thinking the whole way through that i'm going to be giving birth in six months time, i was awake 24 hours by her side.
When she had her baby i went home, i was so happy to welcome my little sisters 1st baby into the world.
I had not told my family i was pregnant as i didn't want 2 take the limelight of my lil sis, and things didn't work out with father, but that day was the day i was going to tell them all, when i got home i took my boy to school, then put my baby boy down for his nap.
My mum come round after leaving my little sister, we was up stairs chatting when i had a real bad pain in my tummy, i know i was bleeding from the of, i ran to the loo screaming at my mum telling her im pregnant, she went white, i was cramping at the hospital but thought nowt of it.
When i sat on the loo there was loads of blood, i was crying and holding my tummy in pain knowing i was losing my baby, then all of a sudden a big clot came out and in the middle was my little baby, my lil girl, she was bout big as my little finger, i held her in the palm of my hand crying my eyes out.
I was just staring at her looking at her little details i could see her head, her back even her little arm buds. I was 9wks pregnant.
I didn't know what to do with her i wrapped her in tissue and flashed her away, i feel so guilty i should of buried her, how can i call myself a good mother when i did that to my lil baby.
When the news was told to my family everyone was worried about me, and i stole my sister thunder, the one thing i didn't want to do. I knew she was a lil girl, i felt so different when i was pregnant, i was so ill and tired with my boys, with her i was just tired, the doctor thinks it was turners, but can't be 100per cent.
When i got pregnant with leejay i was so ill, but when i found out i was so scared, i barely moved, i knew for one week about leejay but i was so happy, my family were there as soon as i took the test, in the same loo i lost my baby in 9mths before.
I went to the doctor and she said every woman has a miscarriage once in there lives and go on to have a healthy baby, but not for me 4 days before i was due to go on hoilday i had the same pains as before, one min i was hanging the clothes to dry in my room the nexted i was doubled up in pain, i went to the loo and saw the blood and i just knew he was gone, i went downstairs and fell into my cousins arms sobbing my heart out. I was 5wks.
The doctor says i have a weak cervix, can no longer carry ababy to term, when i had my second born i tore so badly i had to be rushed to theatre to be restitched.
If i get to about 12wks i would have a stitch put in but the doctors say i won't get that far, so i'm not allowed anymore babies.
Leejay was my last hope, my two best mates are pregnant and im there for them but its so hard to be around them, i just want to be with my lost babies, but leezo and jayjay need me, and i need them they are my whole world, but the day my babies died is the day my heart broke, never to be repaired again. x x