Kathy Hall

My name is Kathy & I am the Wife (widow) of Rick Hall ( Suicide)I am also the mommie Of Kimberly Hall , grandma of Brayden & Corey Smith,( Stillborns) sister Of Larry Hodge,( Murder) & daughter of Jim Hodge (natural causes)who along with several other family members are now on this site.

All these deaths bothered me deeply but,my Dear husband was always here to help me through.He was my rock..
Then my Darling husband of 26 years destroyed me and shattered my life.
My beloved husband Rick of 26yrs. commited suicide in April 13,08

My husband became very depressed a couple yrs ago. Which I think made him sick. When he lost his job, due to the company closing. He changed alot.& started talking suicide.

He thought he had Agent Orange ( contracted from his service in Vietnam). He said," he wasn't gonna hang
around & be sick, I didn't deserve that." So while I was sitting on our couch... he stood in our dining room, and he shot himself with the gun he
bought to protect our family. And shattered and destroyed our whole world in a second.

He was my whole life, he was everything to me. My husband, my lover, my confident, my best friend, my soul mate. Oh God,how can I go on without him?
He was the loving father to our children & grandfather to our grandkids.
He was the one person that was always there for me and I thought would always be there for me
He was 10 years older than me , so he was kinda my teacher too. He always had the answers when I had a problem or didnt know what to do.

He was my rock during troubled times, when our daughter died, when my brother was murdered, when our twin grandsons died and when my Daddy died.

To me, he was the most intelligent and talented person i'd ever met. The most wonderful person in the world. I was always very proud of him & proud to be is wife. Just to hear his name,see his face or hear his voice made me smile.
We were always together. Everwhere we went it was Rick & Kathy. I miss him so very badly.

He was a funny crazy man, he always me laugh, and he'd tell me " I love to see you laugh". yet, when he was serious he'd say look at me," right here & always point to his eyes and whenever he wanted to talk he'd say, "lets visit".

We still held hands & He still called me from work just to say,"I love you".and he still called me his "loving Bride" after 26yrs.of marriage

He promised to always be there for me.I know that's impossible, but I feel like he cheated me, he cheated us, he deserted me .He had no right to take his own life, he didnt just destroy his , he destroyed mine tooo.For he was my life. My heart & soul were buried with him.
I love him, sometimes I hate him, I miss him & I am so mad at him, I hate what he did to us. I'm hurt, I think I'm still in shock & disbeleif.

He will forever be in my heart and on my mind. Not a day goes by I don't think about him. He was my life & I feel like he made me who I was & am today.
He's still the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep & the first thing on my mind in the morninng.

I miss his voice, his laughter, his silliness,his cheesy mustache, his smile, his jokes, his scent , His being here, I miss our talks. I even miss him throwing his coat on the floor & cluttering up the coffee table.

I miss those dumb looks he'd always give me when I done or said something really stupid, which seemed to be quite often, cause he'd say, " you dumb ol' woman ", I even miss him calling me a cheatin' bitch when we played eucher.( of course he'd always say , I said that with love mom "!) and I miss him calling me his loving Bride.

I miss making love with him,I miss his kisses, the warmth of his body next to mine, I miss him holding me,& laying next to me. I miss visiting him at work or taking him lunch, I miss him calling me from work & sayin " I Love You Mom", having our coffee together in the morning, watchin the news together,I miss my eucher partner, our drives in the country. I miss working with him in the garage, our cookouts, Our music trivious we'd have, I miss cooking for him, him playin his guitar & singin' with him. I miss Dancing with him. & doing the jitter bug. I miss him teasing me when I tried to sing Karaoke ( asking me if I had a bucket to carry that tune in ). I miss my friend.

But I love the memories he has given me.I thank God for the 27 years we had together, and I will treasure those memories until I take my last breath. No one can take them away, Well,no one but God, he has a funny way sometimes. I hate the fact that one of those memories I'll always carry was of his death, the way he chose to end his own life.

It seems every song I hear,I think of him, if it's bluegrass music, I hear his sweet voice singing and him playing it with his guitar.

Wherever I go & no matter what I do, I think of him.
Whether its a resturant, or stopping at a car parts shop he always sent me to, Whenever I go for a drive in the country,or pass a woods, (we built our house we lived in 14 yrs in a woods.)

Or I see a humming bird , he made sure our feeders were always out for them. When I see people having a cook-out, we had a camp fire everyday in the summer.

When I see a semi, excavating truck or county truck, I think of him. Or whenever I try to cook anything anymore, I remember, he didnt like that or this was his favorite.

When I see our friends, or When I go places we use to hang out & see his buddies sittin at the table playin eucher like they did every couple days & he's not there. Or I hear someone mention his name.
Whenever I see couples together having a good time I think of him ...& miss him so much.

When I see a American Flag flying Proudly, Even if it's a ragged flag I remember him sending letters to those bussiness places & telling them their flag needed replaced. Whenever I see a soldier in uniform .when I hear our National Anthem,or I hear them play taps.
I think of Him!
I use to write a little poetry, & everything I ever wrote about he inspired me to write, he would say, " why don't ya write something about this".

He use to tell me, "most people come in this world and never leave a mark," He wanted to leave some kind of mark. He'd say, " No on will ever even know or miss him when he's gone"...

Well, he sure made a mark in my life, and alot of other people's, his kids, grandkids, his parents, his brothers, the rest of his family & friends life.
And we all know he's gone & we all miss him .

Everyone tells me I'm handeling this really well!
They ask,"How do you do it? " Then they tell me," I couldn't handle that I would go crazy." Or they say,"it will get easier".

Well, its easy to say that about someones elses heart. I know their trying to help . But the fact is, it hasn't gotten easier, I re-live seeing him standing in our dining room & hearing that gunshot every day. I walk though this same spot in our house a million times a day. And I miss him terribly.

They don't see me in the privacy of my home. They don't see,or hear me cry myself to sleep at night,or just break down during the day, they dont see me throw things. & yes sometimes curse him.
I drink, I smoke & take anxeity & nerve pills, It seems I walk alone in this darkness most the time like I'm still dreaming & cant wake up.
Sometimes I fell like I cant breath ,and just pray to die.To just hurry up & get my life over too.

How do I go on without him ? I don't want to. But you do it because you HAVE to,you have no choice. Life no matter what you make of it goes on. It's forever changed, but goes on, and I hate it.

I wish I would have listened more to my husband with my heart & not my ears, if I would have looked a little deeper in his eyes maybe I would have saw his pain was real.Why couldnt I see that? Maybe I could have saved him. Or was it I just didn't know how to help? God, I hope he can forgive me.And I hope someday I can forgive him for what he has done to us. I would have done anything , anything to save you Rick! I love & miss you so much.

Rick, you said, you bought our home in town for ME, so I wouldn't be stuck in the country by myself when you were gone.
Didn't you realize it takes love to make a home & there isn't love here without you. It's just a place to come too when I have no where else to go now.

We have 2 wonderful daughters (ages 30 & 32 )& a wonderful son ( 24) & 9 terrific grandkids .

My family has helped me keep my sanity, especially Our kids they have been my rock now,(especially our son ).He is alot like his dad and can handle anything.
Our son is a Police Officer & he was at our home when they carried his dad out of our home. He also made the arrangements for Aftermath to come in & clean our home. All the kids helped with funeral arrangements & our daughter has been helping me figure out my bills, ( I never paid anything, my husband took care of all that.)

I also have a very dear friend and step-sister Robin who is also on this ite, she also lost the love of her life due to suicide, I love talking with her
it is always conforting.I havent seen her in years but she's always in my heart. ( especially now ) And
somehow I hope we can both find peace & confort and learn to live our lives to the fullest.

May our faith in God subtain us now so our hearts will see our Loved ones walking by Gods side throughout eternity .

If Anyone out there has a loved one talking suicide Please Please Listen to them and get them help
Please don't let another family go through the heartache, pain, tears & agongy, and everything my family has had to go through.

Kathy Hall-- Rick's "loving Bride"


I also would like to thank everyone for all the pictures, prayers,support and for all the candles they light for all my angels.