About me
Hi my name is Joanne but everyone nomale just calls me Jo,
Im mummy to 6 lovely chlidren Josh 8,Kayleigh 7,Leanne 5, Fletcher 3 and my twin Boys Harry 4 mounths and by darling angel Ben all with my partner Danny of over 9 years.
THIS IS VERY LONG AND I DONT EXSPECT PEOPLE TO READ BUT YOU ARE WELCOME TO , THIS WAS JUST AWAY OF ME LETTING MY FEELINGS OUT. THANK YOU XXXX
THANK YOU TO ALL THE WOUNDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS SITE WHO HAVE LEFT CANDLES AND MESSAGES FOR MY DARLING IT MEANS SO MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL XXX
I found out I was haveing twins on friday the 13th of feb 09 when I was 12 weeks pregnat, I was in such shock when the woman scaning me told me and I rember my first thoght was the space in our 7 seater ha, Danny and me left the hospital feel exsited,shocked and alittle worryed at the thoght off haveing two babys but as with everythink we knew we whould sort everythink out and cope, In the car on the way to my mum's I just kept looking at the scan pic still not quite beliveing that I had to little lifes growing inside me. everyone in both our famileys was so happy for us and we were all looking forward to they being twins in the family,My mum being abit of a ebay freck got staright to the job of looking for twin baby bits.
Over the next few weeks I read everythink I could find about exspecting twins,my next scan was at 20 weeks on the 9th april My little girl Kayleigh and my mum came with me this time I couldnt wait to see them on the screen, I found out that I was haveing 2 boys I was so happy Danny and myself wanted 2 of the same sex althoght we whould have been happy with what we got, I rember thay both looked so sweet on the screen thay were faceing each other like thay wer cuddling.
on may the 11th I saw the midwife and everythink was fine she even manged to pick up to very strong heartbeats, everythink was fine althoght she did say that as I was now nearly 25 weeks I needed to start takeing it easy as twins could come early witch i had already read and terrfied me.
anyway everythink continued to go well and my scan was on the 21st may 09 I day il never forget, I went to work as nomale and coudnt wait to see my to little boys again,at 1.20 Danny came and picked me up and off we went,sitting in the wating room everythink was nomale little did we no that we were about to hear the worst think ever, the lady scaning me asked if Id felt less movement at all whitch i hadnt Ben who I carryd on the left side never did move about as much as Harry but Id been told by 3 other people i new with twins that was nomale so it hadnt worryed me,she also kept turning her head and then turned the screen away,I new straight away somethink was wrong I just hadnt thoght for a second that it was as bad as it was,she looked at us both like she her self was about to cry and said she was very sorry but 1 of our twins hearts had stoped beating I just laid they un able to move,speak anythink- she went to get some1 else to conform it i laid they while she was gone think silly woman shes wrong Bens just sleeping thats all she come back but the prop back on my belly an they hel be moveing around cuddling up to Harry.
I was then taken down to the labour ward where thay put me on a moniter I was so scared, I phoned my mum so she could collect the other children from school. I kept saying to Dan how thay couldnt delive Ben i was only 26 weeks what about Harry,anyway I was told that Harry was fine and they seemed no proplems and I could continy to carry both my twins and see how thinks went as this was best for Harry, but I had to be very careful as I could still go in to early labour or Harry could of got a infection or somethink. From then on I had a scan every 2 weeks with my consaltant Harry did so well he got bigger every time we had a scan we all thoght he was going to be a big baby.
The 9 weeks between our darling Ben passing away and going in to labour abit strange,I had a few small proplems but thankful nothink big and Harry was fine it felt so strange to no I was carrying both my little biys in my tummy but also to no that id only ever get to hear 1 of them cry.I let myself belive that everythink was ok that Id go in to labour and give birth to 2 health little boys that the hospital were wrong.
on the 26th july I work up and was bleeding and haveing some pains so after droping the kids at mums danny drove me to the hospital were I was put on a moniter I new Harry was fine he was doing his nomale morning exsiersis, I was told that I was propley in slow labour but as Harry would still be early that thay whould let natuer take its couse inless they was proplems I wasnt aload home because of the bleeding so they I stayed,
I gave birth on wednesday the 29th july Harry was born just after 3 in the morning weighing 6lb 1oz and then Ben arrived at 3.15 he looked so small It was such a strange feeling my world had fallen apart my little darling wasnt crying he realy was a angel but then I had the joy of little Harry who was just so special and il always be thankful for haveing people say im lucky and I no iam but that dosnt stop me felling so lost and in so much pain over not haveing Ben with me I love and miss him so much I just want him here.
the next few weeks were just abit of a bulr trying to put on a brave face and say yes everythink was ok when realy I wanted every1 to just lever me alone I wanted to take Harry and just sit in a room Id lost my baby but Harry has lost his best compainy the 1 person in life he whould of had such a strong bond with, and for that il always feel so guilty for.
Danny was great and with the help of the hospital minister sorted out most of the funeral arragments as I didnt feel stronge either, it felt so wrong chossing flowers for our boy it should of been clothers and teddys not flowers for his funeral.
On monday the 17th august 2009 at 9.30 our darling angel Ben was laid to rest with his mummy,daddy,nanny,grandad and uncles and aunties and his twin they to say goodbuy,I dont rember what the vicer said I just rember standing they holding Harry so close to me and staring at Ben's tiny little coffin wishing this wasnt happening wishing I could do somethink to stop it.Ben's Daddy and Grandad lowerd Ben's coffin in to the ground I rember 2 of my brothers comeing and standing either side of me and holding me I just wanted to scream to tel them to bring Ben back up I dint want to let him go but I new I had to.
The last few mounths have been so hard and thay still are I miss Ben so much and wounder evey day what he whould be doing and if hed be the same as Harry?
theys so meany thinks I wish I could go back and change if I could but I cant and il regrt that always.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BEN XXXX
