Edie Mino

Hi Edie,

Thank you again for putting this site up for us. I am finding connections here that are no doubt going to help me through this process much easier than I would have ever thought possible. Nicole and I are starting Group-Grief Therapy this evening. She will be in a Teen/Young adult group, and I in an adult loss of spouse group. I am hoping that it will be a place where I can share my feelings without bringing any pain to Nicole. She is not dealing with my outpouring of grief when I have my moments very well. I have been keeping it together for the most part, but there are times and I am sure it will be this way for a while, when it is difficult at best. I have been reading a new book by another spiritual medium that talks about people in this life that commit suicide. He says that they are in Heaven, but that there journey there is a little more difficult than someone who has died a natural death, because they were not finished with what they were here to learn. They have to live and learn to deal with the pain of those they leave behind here on earth, before they can move forward with their spiritual journey. I would never want Nels to be held back from anything he desired in Heaven, so I am going to do all of the work I need to, to get back to my normal state of mind. I know it will be months, if not years before I begin to feel good inside again, but I am hopeful that one day I will be able to have my good memories of him with me without the pain of loss that I will undoubtedly feel for sometime being without him physically. I also know that he will always be with me. Unlike Nicole who tells me that she doesn't feel Paige with her, there are many times each day I can honestly feel him with me and loving me, in ways that he may not have when he was here with me physically. I am also very fortunate to have so many of the people that loved him and that he held dear also around me. Nels changed my life so much, and was such a blessing to me and my girls that I don't know how I could ever be angry with him, even with what has happened. I just can't be that selfish. It was not about me, and I could have never been able to deal with the pain of seeing him locked up again. We did get the better deal here. I have to just keep reminding myself of that and I know in time I am going to be okay.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello. Anytime you guys feel like getting out and visiting let me know. I am working on getting that CD together I told you I would get for you for this site and I'll call you as soon as I have it done.

Tell Jason I said hi and I'll talk to you both soon.

Paula

Paula Deaver

January 22, 2009