Deb N Kayleigh Taylor-Spiller

I am bereaved of my soul mate, my beloved Paul who was killed in a motorbike crash in Bridge Road, Sutton Bridge, Lincolnshire on 25th August 2009. He was the 32nd person to die on the roads in Lincolnshire this year!
We have a little girl called Kayleigh who will be 3 just before Christmas who misses her Daddy so much. Paul was and always will be the love of my life.


When we met 10 years ago there was instant electric between us. After becoming friends, we soon got together as a couple.

He loved me so much and was the perfect gentleman. After his much loved Dad died, he suffered depression and had medication but he was always so happy with me for many years and was desperate for us to have a child together, and then eventually I conceived our sweet daughter. He loved my bump growing and was so attentive and loved her instantly from birth and was soooo proud.

I'd hate sending him home. Made me feel dreadful every time as I'd miss him when away from us and I'd know he was sad then. I didn't want him feeling low.

People in his "home village" make out he spent his whole life depressed or drunk, well he didnt!! He was happy and teetotal with us!!

Maybe his life with certain people or in certain situations he was a drunk and a rebel, but with me/us he was only what I would describe as "occasionally reflective". Maybe he "needed" to be kicked out of his family home as men often need that boot up the bum

I know he'd have a pint or few on his way home after being dropped off. I'd drive home to Terrington with my heart in the pit of my stomach, feeling sick. I do now, just remembering him wanting to stay and my guilt in "sending him home".

My own family treated him as one of ours and they were denied a final farewell too.
At the moment I have my friend Julia babysit late at night when K is asleep, whilst I go to the cemetery and just talk to Paul but now I feel I can do it on here too by sharing the days events and any pictures. I have set up our Youtube channel- MumofK with music we loved to listen to and I listen to it more so now as it brings back floods of memories.....and tears.

Many nights when Kayleigh goes to bed, I still wallow whilst listening to the Scorpions as we had a few favourite songs. I also watch Still Crazy on DVD which used to make us laugh with the imaginary "Wisbech Rock Festival" but the music on there was brilliant "The flame still burns"!.

I don't know how I can survive without him in our lives. The grieving process is like one step forward and two steps backwards.

He wanted us to be together forever.
He promised to live with us in time for Kayleigh's 3rd birthday. He adored her and it was mutual and he knew she needed a full time Dad by that age.

We were silly together, always bantering and we'd go to Sandringham woods to walk with Kayleigh in her pram and he'd hide in the trees and jump out at us.
I think we were a release valve for him and that is why he was so happy with us for so long.

We always called him our silly sunshine as he was a great big goon, making Kayleigh giggle and carrying her on his shoulders and he was so so tall I'd worry about her hitting her head on the cottage beams or falling but he loved her and she would always have been safe with his big hands to catch her.

If he had been with us that fateful day instead of his "home village", I wouldn't be heartbroken now. All this happened in the last week of August 2009 although I didn't hear until late the same night when a friend from Sutton Bridge called me and there was already NOTHING I could do. He was gone, already cold. I went mental. What could I do? I wanted to see him. I couldn't. I wasn't bloody family and the funeral directors were dealing with them and I never knew when/if she was there and I didn't want the crap to hit the fan at that point as she needed to be able to grieve too.
I have been told he died instantly and no one could have saved him which is the one good thing. He didn't suffer. My poor sweetheart of a man.

....but I can't move on, I cannot grieve fully. With us he was a different person altogether to the Paul described by his "clan" who I will have nothing to do with nor ever allow Kayleigh near them now.

Kayleigh has enough good people involved in her life with proper honest, kind values and they take everyone at face value unlike the bullies who threatened me to the point of having to change email and 'phone and live in fear in my own home- and all because we gave him love, happiness and fun and not all of them knew of Kayleigh and myself and those who did have decided to "go to ground" and not admit it for worry of the family "clan". So much for those people being "friends" of Paul, the two faced lot. Paul did not deserve them!
I hate two faced people! Be honest, say it like it is because whilst some people will get miffed, the ones who matter will appreciate your honesty. Thankyou to the friends in our own social circle who may not be on this website but loved Paul and were great friends to us both and are still here for me now.

I think Paul felt tortured in many ways. He hated going home. He was a family man, so much so that he had us as an extra family and treated us so well.

I know it sounds complex, well it was, sort of. Kayleigh (with me is almost 3) and I am NOT the marrying kind. I've always been carefree so never asked Paul to leave them. I was so happy with the fun we would have and knew he would take care of us. Paul loved being with us and enjoyed being carefree.

Paul decided HE was moving in with us for christmas and K's birthday, he just announced it one day...well I'd never have refused him especially after a decade and a daughter together. To be honest, I was thrilled but had no intention of being a doormat of a wife. We were all so happy. I'd still NEVER have married Paul but we had help making some vows which we were going to say to one another amongst our biker friends. It was to be a blessing with a proper vicar biker who truly to be honest an amazingly open minded man. We hadn't decided when but everything was just....."one day" and that is how we lived.


The life we had before Kayleigh involved bikes. I gave him a thrashing on the drag strip at Manby. I never let him forget and still won't! He was gutted at me on my "girly bike" but loved me in my leathers.

When we had Kayleigh he wanted to shout from the rooftops and take us to his Mums but couldn't. I will never get over my Paul.

Who knows what the future holds, but I am so glad I can write my feelings here. We couldn't help falling in love. We planned our little girl as intended to always be together in one way or another. I provide for her very well, I am not a benefits scrounger or council house dweller and I own my own home. >> Sorry if this offends people BUT it is NOT intended to. I do not hold opinions on anyone else and am broad minded but to the narrow minded people out there, I feel I need to state that we did not bring a child into the world for the state to pay for. The state will NEVER have to pay for her and I do not claim family allowance or anything!

We were planning the best christmas ever and Kayleigh will be 3 just before christmas so it would have been a fantastic double whammy and now what will it be?
I am dreading it! I haven't even done any Santa shopping yet. I normally have my cards ready to be written by now.
Putting on that fake smile that says to the world and Kayleigh that everything is ok when inside I am screaming for Paul to come back to us.

Well meaning people asking how we are bearing up and having to say "We are fine." But really want to scream at them and say "How the hell do you think we feel?" but of course I cannot as they mean well but don't understand.

How were we to know he'd be taken from us prematurely? How was I to even think of the mess left behind, as we were the "unknown family" apart from in OUR own circle of friends as a couple.
I love my Jules, my honorary sister who I can be totally honest with and vice versa. Her Husband Phil was a great honest friend with Paul too and we had great evenings playing on the wii or monopoly. We didn't need alcohol for a laugh. We always said exactly what we thought and respected each other because of this.

I still have the garage as a shrine. It has the 2 Bandits and bits of what is meant to be a complete bike in there for us both but I don't know what is what or where Kayleigh was meant to go but it was just a hobby. I never expected it to be finished anyway. It smells of Paul in the garage. He spent many happy hours tinkering away. I will leave it untouched. I don't want the bike rebuilt without my man to ride it and it is gutting that a man who loves the machines so much was tragically killed on one.

I love my man so much. From the first moment we met, there was electricity there, followed by us being friends then came deep meaningful love which I thought I'd have forever from him. He loved me! and our daughter too when we eventually had her. I wish he was with me now or give me a sign that he is watching over us.
Kayleigh said one day that Daddy came to see her at bed time and tucked her in and swore it wasn't a dream but I suppose it was really.

God knows how much we miss you sunshine, and all the tears we've cried, our broken heart's were with you, the day you left our side, We love you, Paul xx

♥ True love from me to you forever, my handsome ♥
♥ A decade was not long enough together- 1999-2009 ♥


PS Jules, You and Phil have been the best friends ever to us. You look after me, forcing me to eat your curries "to keep my strength up for Kayleigh's sake" and I know you loved Paul too. Thankyou for being surrogate Aunty to Kayleigh too! I love u my dear friends!!

How can there be a God who takes people away who are loved so much? I am so screwed up without Paul, I feel a chunk of my heart was ripped out when he died. How dare he leave us after so many plans? Why did he drink that day? He'd be alive if with us. Paul is my forever love. No one will ever replace him in mine or Kayleigh's lives.
It is so hard to believe in a god, but if I didn't, how would I think of his soul anywhere else than in a happy place looking down on us?

A letter to MY man,
Kayleigh will grow up to be carefree and impulsive (and probably daft too) like I was before I met you and how we always were together. She has bikes in her blood from both sides although losing you as she has may be a deterrent to her. She will be constantly reminded of you and that you loved her and I will make sure of that. Whilst I'd love her to meet your Mum so she could see a bit of you still alive, I promise I will NEVER go down the route of trying to contact them and if I have to change my numbers and emails continuously to avoid them, I shall.
Next year I will take her to Derbyshire, how we loved going there for a blast! I'll make sure Kayleigh gets a Sunday there just to see the bike reaction on her face! At the moment she stays out of the garage as she has to touch things and then whines at her dirty girly hands.
I can't believe how she has changed since looking at pictures of her while you were alive. The park in the summer for example.
We had our picture taken by Ju on Halloween while I was wearing my "I'm fine" smile and K looks so grown up and certainly more like 4 than almost 3. She must get her height from you as I'm sure I will look smaller and smaller as she grows!

I'm still missing you so much. I think the pain will never go away. It hurts so much. It's like a constant heartache but I have to carry on for Kayleigh.
I swear if we hadn't had her, I would be with you now.

Kayleigh puts a smile on my face, wearing "Uncle" Phils boots and generally doing things to irk him which is funny (especially the toast and marmalade in his boot). I am smiling now! I am glad she does still have a male influence and a wicked sense of humour even though she sometimes goes quiet and reflective and that spookily reminds me of you.

I will love you all my life. I hope I am around long enough to guide Kayleigh in life and if not, Jules and Phil will always be there for her.

Until we meet again and my pain is healed. I love you more than any words or gestures can say. I am writing this fully elsewhere, come and visit me sometime to read it.

Deborah xx

All bikers, see this site http://www.shinysideup.co.uk/ and STAY SAFE!