Debbie Elmore

My rocky road to the quicksand pit

We traveled down a rocky path of life for so long now I don’t know what it’s like to walk on a flat surface. But still we followed it, falling many times but we were still being able to pick our self up and brush our self off and move on. If a rock was too big to go over we would fight to move it. And believe me we did a lot of fighting to keep moving down the rocky path of life.
When Dave decided his pain was too great to go on. I fell into the quicksand pit. I see a rope dangling but my arms are too tired to reach for it. And do I really want too? I’m tired of this life of struggles. Forever picking myself up and brushing myself off and moving on. It’s been a rough road. We have dealt with a child with drug problems, surgeries for me gone wrong, a daughter with PDD, TBI, MR and seizures. The road with her will always be rocky. We have had a house fire, broken bones, and so many other things. Not to mention Dave’s Bipolar. The path was never easy. But we still walked it. We always joked that we were here to make everyone else’s life look good.
I’m tired now. There is no energy left in me to pick up my arms and reach for rope dangling in front of me to get me out of this pit. Every once in a while I will try to grab for that rope but I always seem to miss. Painful memories slam up and hit me in the face and I feel myself slowly sinking more. With all the tears that I have shed I thought that the quicksand might be a little thinner to move through. But that is not how it works. I see myself become a person I don’t like. I have become one without compassion, sympathy or caring. I carried those with me on my rocky path. Why did I lose them now?
I see my family throwing a rope out. Yelling me for me to catch it. I see my husband yelling for me to grab the rope that he will pull me out. And I look at them and ask why? My heart is no longer whole and my body is in protection mode by building a wall around my heart. It thinks if I can’t feel love anymore then my heart won’t get hurt. I feel empty inside. I feel there is nothing there to give anyone anymore. I know that they won’t like this “new” me. I don’t like her why should they? She’s angry and full of pain. Always crying , always wondering what if. Just wanting to sink down into the pit so I don't feel the pain anymore.
But then I see Dave throw a rope out and I hear him say “mom I didn’t do this to you, I did this for me. I couldn’t stand the pain anymore. Please grab the rope. I will be there for you to help you.”
So once again I am struggling with the rope. Slowly trying to pull myself to sanity and life. Hoping I can find what I lost and to break down the walls around my heart. Hoping the tears will stop and the pain will ease, Its not easy getting out of this quicksand pit. I struggle every day. Some days I get a little further and some I slide back down.
I know once I get out of the pit my road will still be rocky. I know that there will be days where I won’t be able to pick myself up if I fall. But I know I have a husband who will pick me up and a family that will try to help. And I have an angel who will be right there with me dusting me off with his wings.