Hi,
I am Cathy and I am really new to this site. I made a memorial for my son who was born sleeping on the 2nd of September. I find really hard to talk or even think about it yet.
Wesley is my first children and I'd been waiting to get pregnant for 5 years. It's not known why his heart stopped beating.
I hate the way how people around me try to console me. I don't think that 'time is healer'. Right now I think the pain I feel will last forever. They say I think that just because the loss is recent. Is that true? I don't think so.
Just because Wesley was stillborn, some people think that the loss is not as horrible as losing a living child. I think having a child who I will never be able to see growing up, who I will never be able to kiss or hold is horrible enough. I am a mother without a child. I've never even got a chance.
They don't know what does that mean - losing a child. Fortunately. I hope they will never experience it.
I don't have pictures of Wesley, the only thing I have is his room waiting for him. I don't know if I should take away his bed and clothes and toys or keep them. I mean, he will never be able to use them - but when I see them I feel unbearable heartache. But I can't stand the thought of not having these thing as I feel it's the only connection between me and my son.
We had his funeral 2 days ago and the heartache grows every day. I cry through every night, my life seems useless.
How do you, who lost a child aswell, cope? Can you cope at all? How can you live your life with that pain?
Cathy Simpson
RE: Son born sleeping...
Hi cathy
So sorry for you loss my friend also lost her son to a still birth his name is riley all i can say to you take each day as it comes everyday is diffrent because your emotions are up and down my friend kate says it hurts as much now as it did the day she had her son riley no one should ever be brought to these sites but fortunatley they are here for those who need it and it does help because people here understand im not going to say i know what you are going through because i dont only someone who has gone through it can truely understand but i partly know because of my friends loss seeing what she is going through even to this day nearly a year on you will find you deal with it in so many ways i hope some of this makes some sense to you
Take care x
RE: Son born sleeping...
Darling Cathy. I feel you need a friend to talk to. I would like to add your beautiful Son Wesley to my Memorial Garden and help you to remember him, now that the little one is in Heaven. Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your baby son.There is nothing I can say to make things better for you my dearest Cathy.I would just like to be your friend and help you cope if you want to talk to some one when you feel low. Please accept the friendship of an older lady, although I haven't experienced your loss.
Your Baby and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Love Patricia xxxxx
RE: Son born sleeping...
Hi cathy
I know exacty how you are feeling right now, our little girl Ava Mae was born sleeping 4th September 2011, we had her funeral yesterday and I feel my heart is truly broken it hurts so much. She is my first baby and I feel so lost not being able to love her and hold her and kiss her little face. Everyone says time is a healer but at this minute I like you can't see any time it will hurt any less. Our babies are together,I hope they look after each other xxx
RE: Son born sleeping...
Hi Cathy, firstly i am so sorry for ure loss. I sort of understand, although my son wasnt stillborn. Jay was three months old and i got up one morning nd found him still and cold, it was as awful as i imagine u felt. I also understand what you mean about time healing, it doesnt as you never forget your baby,u had plans for the future. Its bn 18 mnths since jay died nd i still cry every day , ppl think i should be over his death by now, how can we be? But sayin that we have to learn to live with the loss of our babies, we have to live our lives for them,they r in our hearts.lots of love and here if you want to talk xxxx
RE: Son born sleeping...
Hi,
Thank you to everyone who wrote a few words. It's amazing that people who I don't even know personally can make me feel better when my friends & family seem to be so impatient with me and don't even listen to my words.
I do try my best and try to accept this situation but it's really hard. I know my baby lives on in my heart and I believe that in spirit he is there. BUT I want him to be here. I want to touch him and I want to know if he really knows how much I love him.
Thanks for being so honest. As I've already mentioned, I hate cliches about loss and life after loss and it feels much better for me to hear the truth. Of course it's sometimes like a slap on the face, but its also reality - I don't want to live in dreams of time healing my heart. Broken things can't be repaired perfectly.
Cathy
RE: Son born sleeping...
Hello Cathy
Sorry to hear about the loss of your son Wesley. I can relate to how you are feeling as my daughter Nataliya was born sleeping 30 August 2007 and still to this day 4 years later I can still not believe it happened to me. Life has become a roller coaster of emotions but you do learn to live with the pain and heartache, and as time goes on it gets that little bit easier and the tears turn to smiles.
I cant say when but that day will come when you turn a corner. You have just lost your son and laid him to rest and probabley still in shock you need to take time to grieve and as for Wesley things only you can decide what to do with his things. 4 years on I still have all my daughters things as I cant bear to get rid of them but I am sure one day I will but I have not been ready.
I am sure you will get alot of support on GTS as people on here understand and care.
Take care Cathy wishing you gentle days ahead......... Denise x
RE: Son born sleeping...
Hi Denise,
Thank you so much for writing!
I am sooo sorry for your loss. You are such a strong lady. I can't imagine my life years after losing my sounds. Future seems like an empty long, dark tunnel to me.
I know it's been only 10 days since losing my angel, I can't get used to the pain yet. It seems possible that one day I will learn how to live with it. How to live without but with my soul. I mean in spirit. I like the thought that he stayed with me in spirit.
Take care
Cathy
RE: Son born sleeping...
hi cathy
I am so sorry for your loss,i know how you are feeling,my baby girl ellee was born sleeping 5weeks ago on the 29th august.i have so many different emotions going on inside my head i don't know how am suppose to feel. i have only just started to go into her bedroom some people think it is best to remove all the clothes and toys but that is something i don't think i will ever do.i haven't made her room into a shrine or anything like that but i just feel that its her room her stuff and that's how it should be, people say time will heal and it will get easier but i just cant seem to see that happening. i now know the true meaning of a broken heart and until you have been threw the same thing you would never know. i hope am making some sort of sense to you,you are not on your own if you ever want to talk am here.
love
kellie
xxxxx
RE: Son born sleeping...
hi cathy
i know exactly what your going through, i gave birth to my little girl who was stillborn on 5th may 2011. when i came home without her all i could feel was unbearable pain and my arms were aching to hold her, even now i keep thinking i can hear a baby crying. the pain will never go way but i can tell you that it does get easier with each day
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